Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
even my farts smell like vagina
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
