i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
