Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
