alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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