dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
