I met the friendliest cop last night
4 words: hood of his car
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
