I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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