she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
