Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
