I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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