Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize