he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
