I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
