Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
