This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
