I accidentally had phone sex last night
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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