so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Randomize
