Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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