Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
