whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
