Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I am one with the molecules
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
