Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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