just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
