we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
