so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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