I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
