So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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