Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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