You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
