Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
