so explain again why im purple
no
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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