So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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