How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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