she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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