so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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