U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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