the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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