omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
