I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
