Im at strip club and am horny
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
