I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
