best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
