he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize