from now on my penis is your penis
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
