I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she peed on how many people?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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