So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
