apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
