your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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