I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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