i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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