So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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