What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
