he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
