My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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