you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
