what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
