i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize