This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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