splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
