slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
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