I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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